500 Ways To Ruin Light's Plans
by Kye Above
Summary: Crack. Based a bit on '333 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Walmart.' 500 things the Wammy's Kids did to mess up Light's quest for godhood, though not all were very effective. L would have been proud. Two ways per chapter.
1. 1,2

**This is faintly inspired by **_**iTorchic**_'**s take on this concept. I decided to write my own version, with Death Note. I own nothing, obviously.**

**These all play out as if the Wammy's Kids all know Light is Kira and about the Shinigami, and they have the evidence to prove it, but they choose to have some fun first.**

* * *

_**1. Date his sister. Then leave him with the crying mess after you leave her for another 'girl'.**_

"Sayu…" Light said awkwardly, unsure exactly what he was supposed to do. He'd only narrowly missed Sayu seeing his Death Note. He didn't trust her not to tell anyone. If she had seen it and questioned it, he would have had to kill her, and he'd never want that. He cared for his sister. But for all his brotherly feelings, he didn't know how to comfort her after her break-up with her boyfriend of three months, who Light had never even met before.

"I can't believe Matt would leave me for that Mellisa girl! I really thought that he was a good guy!" Her sobbing increased, and she burrowed in deeper into Light's chest. Light finally put a hand on her, still not sure what to do as Sayu continued ranting. "Oh, Light. I wish I hadn't brushed off Matsuda like I did! He really is a nice guy." She eventually mumbled, and Light's eyes lit up.

Two birds with one stone.

"Hey Sayu, I don't think it's too late for you two…"

_**Status: Ineffective**_

* * *

_**2. Bribe his Shinigami with the one thing no insane Death God could resist. **_

"Heh, heh, heh. This stuff is pretty good! I can see why so many people like it! I don't know why I didn't try watching some before" Ryuk said, taking another apple from the pile that Near had supplied, using Mello's bank account to buy them, of course. Near too was much too involved with the anime playing on the screen, despite the fact that Mello had told him to pay attention to everything, in case the Shinigami tried pulling something on him. But anime had always been one of Near's few weaknesses. When the episode ended, Ryuk looked at Near, pleased with the offer the young man had put forward before.

"So have you considered it? I also have Chrome Shelled Regios and Hetalia, the second of which I have a feeling you'd enjoy even more than I do, on my computer if you need a bit more convincing." Ryuk simply laughed at these words, and Near wasn't sure what he'd do next.

"Kid, if you can get me free internet access and electricity in the Shinigami Realm, and supply everything I could want, I would be happy to write down Light's name and leave the Human Realm forever."

"I will get right onto working on that."

_**Status: Pending**_

* * *

**Should I do more, or is this just stupid?**


	2. 3,4

**Wow! Thanks everyone. I'm definitely continuing this story for now. I'm posting this now since it's written.**

**Also, Misa has no memory of the Death Note, and no Shinigami eyes.**

* * *

**_3. Sneak into his house and steal all his pens._**

None of them knew where Light kept his Death Note, so they had no chance of taking it away from him. It would better just have him arrested and executed for his crimes, but they had chosen instead to make him suffer while making their own attempts on his life. Then wanted L to have the justice he deserved. That, and he'd left them a message saying that they need to make Light break. They would do that one day.

But until then, they'd just annoy him. And do things like steal all his pens. Which they found he had a lot of. It was almost like the man had been prepared for a raid, and Near, who had been tasked with finding them all, almost had trouble finding them. But eventually, Near counted, that if Light had anymore pens lying around, the package they were in wasn't open. Near would have been able to see them. He had finished tossing the pens out of a side window down to Matt and Mello, who had sat aside while Near did all the work. Near himself almost made it out of the window, but then he realized that he had dropped his toy robot somewhere.

Mello and Matt, but mostly Mello, had forced him to leave all toys behind when they left Wammy's House except for a puzzle that Near could do blindfolded, a stuffed animal from childhood, and that robot. They were supposedly trying to break him of his toy addiction and make him able to function on his own. Near thought first that they should grow up themselves. Matt could stop smoking and Mello could stop over reacting, and then maybe he'd be willing to give up Mr. Robot and Ms. Prissykins.

Then, just as Near found his robot, the front door opened and in stepped a very 'fancy; dressed woman. Her jaw dropped when she saw Near, and she let out a slight screech.

"Who are you?!" Calmly, Near stated the first name that came to mind.

"I'm Matthew Williams."

**_Status: Unknown_**  
**_Notes: Have encountered a lower-intelligent lifeform. It's also a woman._**

**_Status: Screwed_**

* * *

**_4. Get his girlfriend infatuated with you._**

"So you're saying that you used to work with Ryuuzaki?! You look so young!" After the initial shock of everything, Near had managed to avoid getting hit in the face with a frying pan by bringing up L, seeing just how much Misa remembered about him after her mind wipe, and just what her thoughts of him were. Apparently she had quite liked L, and wished that he hadn't had to die.

"I'm actually eighteen, Miss Amane. I just don't look it due to a hormone imbalance and lack of proper nutrients throughout my adolescent years, due to me forgetting to eat all the time." At Misa's blank look, he dumbed it down. "I didn't get enough to eat when I was a teenager, so I wasn't able to grow very well."

"Oh…you poor boy! And yet now you look so handsome. Did you start eating right? I know you need food to look good!" She then caught herself. "Well, you're definitely not as cute as my Light! But you're close." It wasn't the first time a woman had complimented his looks, but this time it meant something. No, it wasn't love. It meant that she, someone who liked a good appearance over personality, had gained an interest of some sort towards him.

"So why were you sneaking around my apartment?" Near spoke next without a pause.

"I was checking for anything dangerous or signs that Kira was lurking about. I've been sent by the secret Organization...group, known within the shadows as W.M.E.S.H.O.S, to protect your fiancee. There is reason to believe that Kira may be targeting him. But you can never tell him or anyone else that I was here, understand?" Near was sure that Misa would believe the lie. And she did. She nodded, her eyes wide.

"I understand. Please protect my Light, Mr. Williams! He's what makes the darkness go away." She spoke dreamily of him.

"I will do my best, but I must make my leave now. There is nothing here at the moment that can hurt you." Light had yet to return, and Near knew it was only a matter of time before he did. No doubt Mello and Matt had run off without him, but he knew the way back to the hotel.

And as he walked out the front door, ignoring Misa's call of goodbye, he could only think of one thing.

All this for some pens.

Light used a pencil he had in his pocket, when he got home.

**_Status: Failure_**

**_Notes: Encountered a lower-intelligent lifeform. It was also a woman. Gained her trust._**

**_Status: Lucky!_**

**_Notes: Matt appears to not be focusing at the matter at hand_**

**_Status: Potential Later Success_**

* * *

**The MisaxNear in this is completely one-sided, and meant to be a joke. Don't take it seriously.**

**Also, Near's alias of 'Matthew Williams' is the human name of Canada from Hetalia. And I consider Near Canadian, so I used that.**


	3. 5,6

_**5. Help his mother.**_

"Who is that?" Light asked when he came over for dinner with Misa one night. Immediately, Light had spotted a blond woman preparing a dessert that seemed to be made entirely of chocolate. At least he thought it was a woman. It could have been man, but if it was, he certainly went to great lengths to make himself look like a woman.

His mother smiled warmly at him, as the mysterious person looked away from the chocolate monstrosity, and at him. There were fire in those eyes, barely masked behind curiosity. Think make-up covered the person's face, and for the sake of simplicity, Light decided to refer to this strange person as a female.

"Oh, this is Mellisa Jones! I met her at the market, and she helped me bring back all this food for dinner! She'll be staying to eat, by the way!" Light just slowly nodded, deciding the the woman wasn't a threat to him. Ever since all his pens had disappeared, he'd realized that someone was after him. But the woman surely wasn't apart of it.

Light watched as Misa stuck up a reluctant, on Mellisa's part, conversation with the stranger, asking where she got her hair done, or if she applied her own makeup. Yes, it was just two women talking.

You keep telling yourself that Light.

**_Status: ?_**

**_Notes: I see no point is this at all. God dammit, Matt! You come up with the worst ideas of us all. And why do I have to cross-dress all the time?! Near's the one who should be in a dress. I swear, he likes it! When this is all over I'm killing you. No, wait, I'll kill you as soon as I get out of this uncomfortable dress._**

**_-You know you love me._**

**_-Shut it, bitch._**

**_-I ain't the bitch right now_**

**_-Now, girls, this is an official report. Be serious._**

**_-Be serious, says the one watching anime right now._**

**_-Actually Mello, It's really not that bad…_**

**_-Matt, do you really want an early death?_**

**_-I'm writing this big so there is no space for you to fight anymore._**

**_-I'm writing this very small so I can tell you that you're an asshole._**

* * *

**_6. Cause a scene at dinner._**

As Sayu and Matsuda, the two adults now together at Light's prompting, were also coming, Mello being there was a problem, which in hindsight, was probably what Matt was counting on. He really didn't give the man enough credit. But that was because Matt almost did nothing to deserve to be praised. Despite being the third placed genius, he really wasn't very impressive.

Anyway, Sayu recognized Mello right away, as the 'woman' who Matt had left her for, and there had been an over reaction, and a screaming and fighting match that Mello didn't even try to avoid. The lovely dinner was quickly ruined, though no food was, so while Sayu and Mello had a cat-fight, the males watched with interest, while the two women watch in horror.

Things were going fine, though not very productive, for Mello, who wasn't sure if he was fighting so hardly because he hadn't gotten into one in three days, a record for him, or if he was honestly fighting over Matt. He really did not know, another strange thing about that day. With a final punch to Sayu's face, knocking her out, he got up with a smirk.

"I think I've overstayed my welcome." He didn't even bother to look upset. "I am very sorry for the trouble I've caused." He added, even though he didn't mean it. He raced out of the kitchen and then the house laughing, realizing just how much fun that had actually been.

**_Status: Success_**

**_Notes: I don't believe this had any effect at all on ruining his plans. Come up with better plans Matt, and don't involve me in them._**

* * *

**This wasn't very funny, I admit. Sorry if you didn't laugh.**


End file.
